Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.