Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.