How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
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“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I get distracted pretty eas
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?