@stevevsninjas

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

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@occupied_stall

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

@GrantTanaka

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

@Freudianscript

I just saved a bunch of money on fireworks by telling my wife to calm down.

@AdamBroud

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

@SadieSkyNinja

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

@BuckyIsotope

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

@markleggett

The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.

@deardilettante

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

@jwoodham

Hey, Edgar Allen, go ahead and Poe me up another drink! Don’t tell me to be quiet, lady! Why are there so many books in this bar?