How animals would run if they were human
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[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
#parenting
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*