How animals would run if they were human
You Might Also Like
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I am yelling
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.