How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”