How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
You Might Also Like
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
The Joker was right
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.