How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I’ve had relationships like this
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
#TopTip
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night