How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
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I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one