How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
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Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
LOL
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
