How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
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Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
This meal prepping shit is easy
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume