HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
aesthetic
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Guilty! 🤪
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box