HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks