HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.