Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

What the hell is going on?

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.