How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.