Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

🤣

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

A decision was made here.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

phew

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.