how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
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[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I feel it
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?