how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Super Hand Dog Face
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I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.