how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.