How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
car not found
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie