How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
How animals would run if they were human
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
hey, alexa
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.