How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
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ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
*skinny dips into black hole
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.