How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
You Might Also Like
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
look at me when i’m typing to you
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet