how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.