how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you