how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
