how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Mhm.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?