how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
This meal prepping shit is easy
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄