How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage