Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

feetloaf

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.