How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
This is hilarious….
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.