How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Based Erika
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”