“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut