“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat