“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
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Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion