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No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
