Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

LMAO

Look Ma, no handle on things

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…