How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I might give this a try 😏
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
