How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
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I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
sugar glider wrangler
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Just a phase…
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*