Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”