Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.