Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?