Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

Haha! 😂

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”