How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts