How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.