How boring my life has become!

The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!

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[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost


I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”


Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.


The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.


“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”


3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..


I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.


I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.


Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank