@iGreenMonk

How boring my life has become!

The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!

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@daemonic3

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

@vineyille

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

@12spoopy11u

Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.

@traciebreaux

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

@Sickayduh

“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”

@ericaj1721

3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..

@thegreatnanak

I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.

@tsm560

I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank