Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Brands during Pride
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here