How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.