How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
But I really needed water water water
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree