How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
seems like a niche market
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.