How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
And then there were 4
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome