Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.