How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
2022 be like
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT