How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
You Might Also Like
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
