Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.