How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
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Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.