How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
i spent way too long on this
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Very problematic
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
This January has 47 Mondays
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.