How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy