How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.