@str8upjuggahos: How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.
@om_eye_goodness: my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.
@skittle624: The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.