How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Nose
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
This is I, Robot all over again