How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”
— how the worm got its name
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
For them to grow
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.