How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.