Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”