How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.