How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.