How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”