How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
You Might Also Like
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Very good! 👍😂
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches