How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
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Those are good neighbors.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
🤣🤣🤣
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.