How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?