How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
You Might Also Like
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
💻🤡
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.