How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
A small tragedy.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.