How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
courtroom exchange of the day
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.