How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.