How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.