How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
meow
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
No, he would not have.
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[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so