How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
my name if I was in the mob
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died