“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
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i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork