“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
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My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*