“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory