Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.